Former SNP leader Alex Salmond has reportedly been telling friends that he thinks he can 'smell an Englishman’. 
Former SNP leader Alex Salmond has reportedly been telling friends that he thinks he can 'smell an Englishman’. Multiple sources have reported to The Spark that Salmond was enjoying lunch in an Aberdeen restaurant with friends when he suddenly started ‘aggressively sniffing the air and shaking’. 
 
He maintained this posture for some time before whispering to his friends that he could tell there was an Englishman ‘within 500 metres’. He told his friends to stay very still, and talk intermittently about cricket, in an attempt to deter the Englishman from attacking whilst he went to seek help. 
 
Salmond initially reported his concerns to the local police, but was shocked to discover that being English ‘isn’t actually a criminal offense’. As a result he was left with ‘no option’ but to seek out the dangerous individual himself. 
 
Salmond has spent the last few weeks hunting for the Englishman around the backstreets of Aberdeen, but so far to no avail. We understand he is planning to start playing ‘the mating call of Geordie women’ from a loudspeaker in an attempt to lure the Englishman from his place of hiding. 
 
If you come across the Englishman please note that it could be dangerous, and we advise you not to approach. The same advice applies to Alex Salmond. 
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