The Conservative Party has announced that it will fight the next General Election on a platform of ‘banning all music’ in a bid to make the election ‘vaguely competitive’. 
The Conservative Party has announced that it will fight the next General Election on a platform of ‘banning all music’ in a bid to make the election ‘vaguely competitive’. The announcement was made by Prime Minister Theresa May at a central London press conference. 
 
May noted that at present its clear that the Conservatives will ‘absolutely obliterate’ Labour at the next General Election, which ‘just wouldn’t be sporting’. As a result, in order to make the next election ‘fair and interesting’ the Conservatives will include a pledge to ban the ‘possession or production’ of any kind of music in their next General Election manifesto. 
 
May admitted that, as a keen Nickleback fan, the ban would be ‘difficult personally’, but expressed confidence that it will balance out ‘some of Corbyn’s crazier ideas’ giving Labour ‘at least a shot at victory’. 
 
Political observers have agreed that a Conservative pledge to ban music would make the next General Election ‘more fair’, but have also raised concerns whether this alone will be enough. 
 
Former Labour Cabinet Minister Andrew Baker noted that the policy might counter ‘Corbyn’s proposal to renew our Trident submarines but not the missiles’, but argued that ‘more concessions would be necessary’ to balance Corbyn’s ‘previous sympathy for the IRA’. For example he suggested that it would be ‘sporting’ of the Conservatives to also run on a platform of making it compulsory for all books and television series to begin with a ‘complete list of plot spoilers’. 
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