Foreign Office officials are reportedly struggling to convince Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson that the British Empire no longer exists. Speaking on condition of anonymity a senior Foreign Office source told The Spark that Boris ‘is absolutely convinced we still have the empire’ and that ‘nothing we say will persuade him it’s gone’. 
The official went on to confess that he feared the realisation that the Empire is lost would ‘break Boris’s heart’. He explained that Foreign Office mandarins are trying to ‘break the news to Boris in small steps’, but that so far these had been unsuccessful. For example they once suggested that Britain no longer rules Kenya, but Boris ‘was absolutely convinced we were joking’ and ‘found the whole thing hilarious’. 
 
Another Foreign Office source admitted that Boris’s ongoing belief in the Empire was starting to cause ‘policy difficulties’. He noted that Boris keeps ‘trying to dispatch troops to India’ and demanding to see military reports on ‘our ongoing struggle with the Boers’. The source also noted that Boris’s conviction has at times caused the Government embarrassment. For example when the Nigerian President visited ‘Boris just stood there for 10 minutes – we later found out he was waiting for the President to kneel’. 
 
When asked about the allegations Boris’s private office refused to comment. However they did provide us with three copies of the 1964 movie ‘Zulu’. 
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