The Labour Shadow Cabinet has admitted to locking party leader Jeremy Corbyn in a cupboard at Labour Party HQ, in a desperate attempt to increase his popularity. The confession was made in an email to Labour Party members signed by a majority of Shadow Cabinet members, which described the move as a ‘last ditched attempt’ to address Corbyn’s terrible poll ratings. 
The email explained that ‘detailed internal research’ had concluded that Corbyn’s popularity falls ‘whenever he comes into contact with the general public’. Further research had found that locking Corbyn in a cupboard is the ‘best way of keeping him away from the public’, making it ‘the only logical option’. The email admitted that Corbyn was ‘reluctant’ to enter the cupboard, and had to be tricked with the promise that it contained ‘the entry point to Narnia’. 
 
A senior Labour source told The Spark that so far the move ‘appears to have been a success’, and that Corbyn’s approval rating has risen to a ‘record high’ of -32 since he was locked up three days ago, meaning he’s polling ‘marginally ahead’ of chlamydia for the first time. However the source also revealed that the situation ‘has caused difficulties’, with staff at Labour HQ getting disturbed by the constant ‘banging and scratching noises’ as Corbyn tries to escape. 
 
The Spark understands that the Shadow Cabinet originally got the idea from their Conservative opposition, who’ve been keeping Norman Tebbit locked in a cupboard for 15 years. Political commentators have frequently directly linked this decision to the Tory electoral triumphs of 2010 and 2015. 
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