Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
Remain supporters have urged Theresa May to use ‘really faint pencil’ when writing the letter to the European Commission which triggers Article 50, in the hope that ‘they won’t be able to read it’. This follows the announcement that May intends to trigger Article 50, beginning the process of Britain’s withdrawal from the EU, on 29 March. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
International Trade Secretary Liam Fox has claimed that the UK will be at the ‘front of the queue’ for a free trade deal with Narnia after Brexit. Fox, a key supporter of the campaign for Britain to leave the EU, made the claims during a speech to Conservative Party activists in Bath. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
The Walker family, who live at Number 25 Hertford Street, Swindon, have announced their intention to hold a referendum on independence from the United Kingdom. The family, who all voted ‘Remain’ in last June’s Brexit referendum, have accused Theresa May’s Conservative Government of attempting to ‘drag us out of the EU against our will’. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
Former Chancellor George Osborne has announced that he has taken on a 26th job as an Uber driver, but insists that, as with his other jobs, this won’t interfere with his work as an MP. Osborne announced the news on Friday afternoon, just hours after it was discovered that he’d been appointed Editor of the London Evening Standard newspaper. 
Author: @JBickertonUK 
 
Scotland’s First Minister and SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon has insisted that from now on England should be referred to as ‘Mordor’ in all official SNP publications. Sturgeon gave the order during a meeting of the party’s National Executive Committee in Edinburgh. 
British intelligence agency MI6 has announced that it has suspended James Bond, one of its top operatives, following accusations of sexual harassment from a number of agency employees. The news was released via a statement which MI6 published in the most recent edition of nautical magazine Yachts and Yachting
Theresa May has suggested that ‘given the current geopolitical situation’ the kindest thing British parents can do is to ‘eat their own children’. The Prime Minister made the controversial remarks during a Whitehall press conference this morning. 
Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron has just completed a list of people he wants to execute if he becomes Prime Minister. 
Colleagues of a new graduate scheme employee at London bank Omega Investment Capital have noted that he ‘really doesn’t like talking about’ his recent gap year in Syria. 
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has insisted that he did have a good policy idea, but unfortunately the dog ate it so there’s nothing anyone can do.