SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon is reportedly confident that she’s though up at least seven different ways of pronouncing ‘you English bastard’. 
The Liberal Democrats have announced that they will change their official motto to ‘Faith, Family, Fatherland’ in order to present ‘a stronger image to the public’. 
Bookies across the UK have started accepting bets on whether Trump’s America or Brexit Britain will be the first to descend into open civil war. 
The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has announced that he will forego involvement in football related violence during the six weeks of lent. 
The British Government has formally requested financial reparations from the Governments of Denmark, Norway and Sweden, to compensate for the period of Viking raiding which took place between the years 793 and 1066. 
Hollywood stars used last night’s 89th Academy Awards ceremony to speak out about the ongoing Southern Rail industrial dispute. 
Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has insisted that Prime Minister Theresa May must ‘set fire to a cricket bat on camera’ if she wants to avoid a second independence referendum. 
The Conservative Party has announced that it will fight the next General Election on a platform of ‘banning all music’ in a bid to make the election ‘vaguely competitive’. 
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has claimed that the party need to ‘talk a lot more about the IRA’ in order to improve its currently dire poll ratings. 
The European Union has formally insisted that it must be given four pints of former UKIP leader Nigel Farage’s blood as part of any Brexit deal.