CIA using Alphabetti Spaghetti for Trump’s intelligence briefings
Posted on 21st March 2017 at 16:02
It’s been revealed that the CIA has started using Alphabetti Spaghetti to give President Trump his intelligence briefings. The news was leaked to a number of media organisations by a ‘disgruntled White House employee’, which narrows it down to everybody who works in the White House, including the President, with one possible exception.
According to the reports the CIA was finding it ‘next to impossible’ to get Trump to focus during conventional intelligence briefings, which usually involve ‘detailed maps and several pages of notes’. As a result, in order to keep the President at least somewhat aware of world events, they have taken to ‘writing out important messages in Alphabetti Spaghetti’.
The President then briefly reads the words, provided there’re not longer than two syllables, before stuffing them down his throat. As an incentive to finish his meals advisors have started insisting that Trump isn’t allowed to eat his pudding, nor view hard-core pornography, until he’s finished his spaghetti.
Speaking anonymously a senior White House source told The Spark that the system ‘generally works quite well’, adding that Trump is starting to understand the difference ‘between ISIS and IKEA’. However he admitted that there have been ‘some minor issues’, particularly when Trump is left alone with the Alphabetti Spaghetti and ‘rearranges top secret messages’ in order to ‘write out rude words’. He also noted that the White House kitchen ran out of the letter 'R' a few months ago, meaning it hasn't been possible to brief Trump fully on the allegations that the Russians intervened in the Presidential election. As a result, Trump remains convinced that all media reports of this are 'Fake News'.
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